Blog : The best Story I have read in a long time

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7/30/2005 9:57 pm

Last Read:
3/5/2006 9:29 pm

The best Story I have read in a long time

This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville
Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest
Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

Christmas With Louise

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty
hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said
all he wanted was for Santa to fill them.

What they say about Santa checking the list twice
must be true because every Christmas morning,
although Jay's ' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
One year I decided to make his dream come true.
I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll.
They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an
adultbookstore downtown. If you've never been in an
X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself.

I was there an hour saying things like, "What does
this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?"
Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.
I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll
that could also substitute as a passenger in my
truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush
hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come
in many different models. The top of the line,
according to the side of the box, could do things
I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled
for Lovable Louise.

She was at the bottom of the price
scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of
imagination. On Christmas Eve and with the help of
an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.
My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in
during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had
come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with
Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk
on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a
couple of hours. The next morning my brother called
to say that Santa had been to his house and left a
present that had made him VERY happy but had left
the confused. She would bark, start to walk away,
then come back and bark some more

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her
panty hose so the rest of the family could admire
her when they came over for the traditional
Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she
walked in the door. "What in the world is that?" she
asked. My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."
"Who would play with something like that?" Granny
snapped. I had several candidates in mind, but kept
my mouth shut. "Where are her clothes?" Granny
continued. "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran"
Jay said, to steer her into the dining room. But
Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It
was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back
of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"
My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor
eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the
naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend. A few minutes later
I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise.
Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then
that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas
at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk
about who had died, who was dying, and who should be
killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my
father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she
lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room
twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through
my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to
his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
resuscitation.

My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the
room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and
remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a
thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's
collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered
from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct
tape, we restored her to perfect health!

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