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bigblock46 72M
8562 posts
3/13/2018 12:33 pm
A great Recipe


RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

Can't you just hear him say all of these?

I love it. These were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended his programs with the words, "And May God Bless" with a big smile on his face.

bigblock46 72M
7105 posts
3/13/2018 12:34 pm

I know these are old and often repeated but they are worth reading over and over. It just shows that classic comedy never dies.


Abelle2 77F
28396 posts
3/13/2018 4:55 pm

I was always a huge fan of Red Skelton!

He lived most of his life in Vincennes, Indiana which was about 25 miles from where I lived.

I liked to take visitors to the Red Skelton museum. There is a big theatre built next to the museum. It is only about 10 years old.


TxJW2 75M
3627 posts
3/13/2018 5:47 pm

I also liked Gleason and Crazy Gugenheim.


sparkleflit 70F
2524 posts
3/13/2018 6:43 pm

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can still hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow..........


bigblock46 72M
7105 posts
3/13/2018 7:21 pm

    Quoting sparkleflit:
    Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. Personally, I think if you can still hear them whining, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow..........
That's not very nice, humorous but not nice.


deborahsu2 78F
2455 posts
3/13/2018 8:24 pm

I have read these several times and always enjoy them. Red Skelton was one of Dad's favorite people. It was a joy to see Dad laugh so hard and enjoy Mr. Skelton so much.


starwomyn 64F
5426 posts
3/13/2018 9:13 pm

Q. What's the difference between a man and E.T.?
A. E.T. phoned home.

Q. How do men get excersize at the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. What's a man's idea of helpin with the housework?
A. Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.

Q. Why are all dumb blond jokes oneliners?
A. So men can understand them.

Q. How do women define a 50/50 relationship?
A. We cook/they eat; We clean/they dirty; We iron/ they wrinkle.

Q. What is the difference between government bonds and men?
A. Government bonds mature.

Q. How are men like noodles?
A. They are always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.

Q. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
A. When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there.

Q. Why is it good that there are female astronauts?
A. When the crew gets lost in space at least the women will ask for directions.

Q. What does a man consider to be a seven course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

8 things you'll never hear a man say...

8. Here honey, you use the remote.

7. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.

6. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!

5. While I'm up, can I get you anything?

4. Sex isn't that important, sometimes I just want to be held.

3. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.

2. Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.

1. We never talk anymore

C'est la vie


earthytaurus3 78F
37259 posts
3/15/2018 8:31 pm

I just caught up with this. I love it. Red Skelton was a first class act, like Art Linkletter., especially when he did Kids Say the Darnedest Things. Good clean humor that hardly exists these days.