Late-Night Political Jokes
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Posted:Dec 25, 2005 9:05 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1074 Views
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Have some laughs
Late-Night Political Jokes
"I was coming to work this morning, and they're playing Christmas music on the radio, and they were playing that song, "He knows when you've been sleeping, he knows when you're awake, he knows when you've been bad or good ..." So apparently Santa works for the National Security Agency." --Jay Leno
"President Bush is trying to put the best spin he can on this eavesdropping scandal, like he said today: "This proves we have a government that listens to the people." --Jay Leno
"Over the weekend, Vice President dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq, it was yesterday. Cheney was there, and he gave the troops one of his warm holiday sneers. And if you think about it, when you're at war in some far off corner of the world, what better than a visit from a guy who got five draft deferments? Iraqi officials met with dick Cheney, or as they call him over there, Lawrence of Arythmi." --David Letterman
"In his 318th speech in Iraq on Sunday, the President said that the terrorists view the world as a giant battlefield. As opposed to us, who view the world as a giant oil field." --Jay Leno
"Bulgaria announced they're pulling all their troops from Iraq, both of them. No, they said they'll replace their troops with a non-combat force. That would be the French army." --Jay Leno
"USC Heisman Trophy winner Reggie Bush announced he is available for the NFL draft. Actually, this also marks the first time in history the words 'Bush' and 'available for the draft' have ever appeared together in the same sentence." --Jay Leno
"dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Iraq over the weekend. He met with the Iraqi prime minister who showed him his purple finger from the election. Then Cheney showed the Iraqi minister his purple fingers from bad circulation." --Jay Leno
"That's the big story, you know. President Bush and this whole domestic spying thing. Remember the good old days when the only thing you had to worry about on your phone were telemarketers." --Jay Leno
"Some groups are now picketing Wal-Mart because their employees can't say 'Merry Christmas.' It's not store policy or anything, they just don't speak English." --Jay Leno
"Time has named former Presidents Bush and Clinton the partners of the year. These two are now so close they’re thinking about making a cowboy movie." --David Letterman
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Please read-True Story
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Posted:Dec 25, 2005 12:28 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1167 Views
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I would pay to see Tiger Woods play this person
No handicap here: Israeli is world's top blind golfer
By ARON HELLER (Associated Press Writer)
From Associated Press
December 25, 2005 2:41 PM EST
CAESAREA, Israel - The ball explodes off Zohar Sharon's club and flies into the distance. Sharon can't see it, but he knows it's a good one and he flashes a big smile. Two strokes later, he has a birdie.
With the help of a demanding coach, determined caddie and dedicated dog, Sharon has earned an unlikely title - the world's best blind golfer.
Thousands of blind people around the world play golf, but only about a hundred play competitively. Over the past two years, Sharon has dominated them all.
On Nov. 14, he made headlines at home with a hole-in-one on the 15th hole at the Caeserea Golf Club, Israel's only 18-hole course. It was the latest in a string of achievements for the 53-year-old Sharon, who was blinded in the army more than 25 years ago.
Since 2003, he's won international blind golfers' tournaments in Scotland, Australia the United States and Canada, where he sank his first eagle at the Ontario Visually Impaired Golfer's championship in August. And he's beaten a slew of sighted golfers, too.
Sharon may have lost his eyesight, but not his sense of humor. He described himself as "the world's greatest golf player at night."
"I want every seeing person to have their legs shake with fear a little when they come play a round with me," he added.
Then Sharon turned serious. Golf kept him alive, he said, rescuing him from severe depression.
"I enjoy golf more than a seeing man, a lot more," he said. "The grass is always green to me. The trees are always beautiful. ... But golf is also therapeutic for me. I try, for just one moment, not to be blind."
Out on the grass, swinging his arms and spinning around carelessly, he said he was free. It's the one place he doesn't need to worry about bumping into anything, he said, and it keeps his mind engrossed.
"It doesn't give me one minute to think about my situation," he said.
His ordeal began nearly 30 years ago while in the Israeli military. He was a sniper in a paratrooper unit when a fellow soldier accidentally sprayed a chemical in his face. A series of complicated operations followed, but his eyesight slowly deteriorated until he became completely blind at 28.
"Everything I had before fell apart," he said. "All of a sudden you are nothing, a 3-year-old is more productive than you. You have to rebuild something from what is left. You have to understand what it is you want to do with your life."
For Sharon, the trick was to stay busy. He first turned to painting and sculpting and then became a physical therapist. When he was going through a divorce, his lawyer introduced him to golf. He tried it for a couple of years but quit because he said it was too hard.
After a 10-year absence, he returned to the golf course four years ago.
Sharon's coach is Ricardo Cordoba-Core, a sports psychologist from Bolivia. He trained Sharon from scratch, focusing on coordination and teaching him to visualize each shot. It was months before he even let Sharon hold a club.
Cordoba came up with quirky techniques for Sharon to develop his swing. He had him sweep the floor at home, using the broom as if it were a club. He tied Sharon's arms to his body and made him swing with his hips. And when he finally gave him a club, he had him hit tiny coins. He stood Sharon by a pole so if his swing were off he'd get smacked in the head.
"He was a challenge for me," the 66-year-old Cordoba said. "Like David vs. Goliath."
At times, he turned Sharon's handicap into an advantage. Cordoba said many golfers became anxious when faced with the sight of bunkers and water traps.
"I just don't tell him about it," he said, with a smirk.
Sharon said the game "is all about the swing."
"In golf there are no restrictions for blind people," he said, before adding, "if you have a good caddie."
Sharon's good caddie is Shimshon Levi, his best friend whom he's known since childhood. Levi cared for Sharon during his darkest hours after he turned blind.
"Since then I am connected to this person, as if I am connected to him through an artery. I just love him deeply," Sharon said.
Levi gently guides him around the course, plants his tees and places the balls. He steadies Sharon's arms and describes what's ahead. When putting, he places Sharon's hand on the club so it is just next to the ball, instructs his friend of the distance and then runs to the hole and begins clapping so Sharon will know where to hit it.
Sometimes it's Levi, not Sharon, who takes the heat when things don't go right.
"What are you doing?" Cordoba yelled at Levi when one ball rolled off target. "You are his eyes!"
The last member of this winning team is Dylan, Sharon's guide dog. Sharon said Dylan, a 6-year-old labrador-retriever mix, used to fetch balls that had gone astray.
"But then I got better and he started fetching the good balls, too," Sharon said. "So I had to make him stop."
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IT's Christmas!---I got a joke
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Posted:Dec 25, 2005 12:10 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1226 Views
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One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighbourhood on his usual route. As he approached one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the driveway. His wondering was cut short by Bob, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.
"Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the mailman comments.
Bob in obvious pain replies, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 AM Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighbourhood over for Christmas Cheer and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I."
The mailman thinks a moment and says, "How do you play that?" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our "privates" showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is."
The mailman laughs and says, "Damn, I'm sorry I missed that." "Probably a good thing you did," Bob responds. "Your name came up four or five times!"
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Drive Chryslers or get fired
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Posted:Dec 24, 2005 11:47 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1037 Views
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What if you ride a "hog" to work would you still get fired?
Can they do that? Workplace horrors compiled Fri Dec 23,10:29 AM ET
NEW YORK (Reuters) - The time-honored office tradition of whining at the water cooler just might get you fired, according to a newly compiled list of workplace horrors around the world.
Two workers who exceeded the official limit of two moans per employee at one unnamed German firm were fired this year. Several colleagues quit before their moans could be counted.
Their employer's strict policy tops a list compiled by Challenger, Gray and Christmas. The Chicago-based outplacement firm gave nine notable examples from hundreds of cases.
Most involve petty rules.
Workers at a DaimlerChrysler plant in Kokomo, Indiana, should drive a Chrysler model or they may find their car in Indianapolis, 50 miles away. That's because a rule limits parking space for non-Chrysler cars. Violators will be towed.
"These are things that make you go hmmm," Challenger spokesman James Pedderson said.
Such stories pour in throughout the year and Challenger plans to make the list an annual tradition, he said. The point is to encourage managers and their staff to communicate better.
Some of the worst stories involve discrimination against a worker's religion, ethnicity, or, less seriously, squirrels. A librarian lost her job for devoting too much time to saving a squirrel stuck in a ceiling.
"I think reason has to prevail in some of these instances," Pedderson said.
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I always wanted to play a instrument
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Posted:Dec 23, 2005 11:46 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1137 Views
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Want to stop snoring? Try the didgeridoo Thu Dec 22, 7:13 PM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - Kept awake at night by a snoring partner? The answer to your woes could lie -- believe it or not -- with the Australian didgeridoo.
Researchers in Switzerland examined 25 patients who suffered from snoring and moderate obstructive sleep apnea syndrome, both common sleep disorders.
Half the group were given daily lessons in playing the didgeridoo, a wind instrument about 1.5 meters (yards) long which originated in northern Australia and is traditionally made from the trunk of a tree hollowed out by termites.
The study, published in the British Medical Journal's online edition on Friday, found that those who played the unusual instrument over a four-month trial period saw a significant improvement in their daytime sleepiness and apnea.
Their partners also reported less disturbance from snoring.
The researchers said training the upper airways through the breathing techniques required to play the didgeridoo was behind the improvement.
"Our results may give hope to many people with moderate obstructive sleep apnea syndrome and snoring, as well as their partners," the report's authors said.
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HELLO, Can you hear me now????
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Posted:Dec 23, 2005 6:27 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1209 Views
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Someone pleasse dial 911!!
Woman Swallows Cell Phone After Argument
From Associated Press
December 23, 2005 6:04 PM EST
BLUE SPRINGS, Mo. - It was a conversation stopper. A lovers' dispute over a cell phone took a serious turn early Friday morning when the woman ended the spat by swallowing the phone whole.
Police said they received a call at 4:52 a.m. from a man who said his girlfriend was having trouble breathing. When they arrived at the house they found the 24-year-old woman had a cell phone lodged in her throat.
"He wanted the phone and she wouldn't give it to him, so she attempted to swallow it," Detective Sgt. Steve Decker of the Blue Springs Police Department. "She just put the entire phone in her mouth so he couldn't get it."
Police said an ambulance transported the woman to St. Mary's Medical Center in Blue Springs. A hospital spokeswoman said she couldn't give details about the woman's health since police have not released her identity.
Decker said police had closed investigations on the swallowing, the first such incident of its kind here.
"This is the first I've heard of this happening," said Decker. "I don't know what kind of phone it was. I don't know if it was on ring or vibrate, either."
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Naughty naughty relations
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Posted:Dec 23, 2005 4:16 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1064 Views
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I wonder if the calve ever wanted a french kiss? Visted 50 times? he must of had a few favorites, would that be considered cheating????....LOL
Man Pleads No Contest to Cattle Relations
From Associated Press
December 23, 2005 5:49 PM EST
NEILLSVILLE, Wis. - A 64-year-old man has pleaded no contest to charges in Clark County Circuit Court after telling police he regularly had been using calves for sexual gratification.
Harold G. Hart was placed on two years probation Thursday and ordered to have psychological counseling and an alcohol and drug abuse assessment after pleading to charges of sexual gratification with an animal and disorderly conduct.
According to the criminal complaint, the family living on the farm Hart visited, installed a motion sensor because they had seen suspicious footprints and vehicle tracks.
When the sensor sounded, Hart was caught leaving the barn. He later told police the farm was a routine stop, usually after bar closing or on trips to strip clubs near Marshfield or Neillsville.
Hart told police he had gone to the farm at least 50 times in the last year, sometimes two to four times in a week.
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The good, the bad, the ugly, Santas
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Posted:Dec 23, 2005 6:23 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1118 Views
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This Santa has just the ticket for cheer Wed Dec 21, 8:33 AM ET
LONDON (Reuters) - A "Parking Ticket Santa Claus" has been spreading cash as well as Christmas cheer around the English city of Birmingham, a newspaper reported Wednesday
The mystery Santa has placed Christmas cards containing 30 pounds ($53) on the windscreens of drivers who have received parking tickets, the Daily Telegraph said.
"Don't let this ticket spoil your Christmas," declares a note in each card. "Here's #30 to pay it off. Merry Christmas - Parking Ticket Santa."
Fourteen drivers are believed to have received gifts from the unseen Father Christmas, who has given his profession an image boost after a string of stories about "Bad Santas."
In recent days, men in Santa outfits have been accused of committing armed robbery in Germany, exposing themselves in southern England and going on a drunken rampage in New Zealand.
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Pig Gear for sale!!
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Posted:Dec 22, 2005 10:40 pm
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1106 Views
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Yep, its funny!
Minn. Woman Designs, Sells Guinea Pig Gear
From Associated Press
December 22, 2005 9:33 PM EST
WINONA, Minn. - Looking for the perfect outfit for your guinea pig? Well, a Winona woman may have what you're after. Carly Austin-Kukowski designs and sells guinea pig gear ranging from leopard-print dresses to elf costumes with reindeer hats.
It started as a joke two years ago, when Austin-Kukowski, 25, made a sweater for her own guinea pig to wear outside. After that, she tried other designs.
A friend sarcastically suggested that she try to sell the costumes on eBay.
Austin-Kukowski took her friend seriously, and four months later, she said she has sold about 100 costumes to people as far away as Australia and England. About a third of her orders come from New York City, she said.
Austin-Kukowski, who works as a nurse's aide, has filled custom orders. She made a Minnesota Vikings helmet - braids included. She also made a white lace dress for a guinea pig "wedding."
The original sweater-wearing guinea pig has passed away, but she now has four others.
This week Austin-Kukowski took out a classified ad in a local paper: "Christmas costumes for guinea pigs. $7. Santa, elf, many more. Must see to believe."
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Give yourself a gift
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Posted:Dec 22, 2005 10:36 am
Last Updated:Mar 5, 2006 9:29 pm 1091 Views
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A gift to review and remembering these few ditties, may you all have a Merry Chrismas, or whatever, Bessings to all of you.
Advice For Life
1. No one can ruin your day without YOUR permission.
2. Most people will be about as happy, as they decide to be.
3. Others can stop you temporarily, but only you can do it permanently.
4. Whatever you are willing to put up with, is exactly what you will have.
5. Success stops when you do.
6. When your ship comes in.... make sure you are willing to unload it.
7. You will never "have it all together".
8. Life is a journey...not a destination. Enjoy the trip !
9. The biggest lie on the planet: "When I get what I want, I will be happy".
10. The best way to escape your problem is to solve it.
11. I've learned that ultimately, 'takers' lose and 'givers' win.
12. Life's precious moments don't have value, unless they are shared.
13. If you don't start, it's certain you won't arrive.
14. We often fear the thing we want the most
15. He or she who laughs......lasts.
16. Yesterday was the deadline for all complaints.
17. Look for opportunities...not guarantees.
18. Life is what's coming....not what was.
19. Success is getting up one more time.
20. Now is the most interesting time of all.
21. When things go wrong.....don't go with them.
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