|
Lauderdale County Facility, Turkey Guts, and Honey 3/22/2006
The Number One Man at the Lauderdale County Facility and
His Honey happily resides in their abode at the facility
for many years.
The only thing Honey objected to was himself's habit
of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake Honey and the smell would make her eyes
water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ...
1 Comments, 47 Views,
18 Votes
,0.53 Score |
|
The Argument -The Woman is Always Right!!!! 3/21/2006
A man and woman were involved in a petty argument, both of
them unwilling to admit they might be in error.
"I'll admit I'm wrong, " the woman
told the man in a con-ciliatory attempt, "if you'll
admit I'm right."
He agreed and, like a gentleman, insisted she go first.
"I'm wrong, " she said.
With a twinkle in his eye, he responded, ...
1 Comments, 66 Views,
20 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
Educational Opportunities for the Male Gender 3/20/2006
Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their
contents,
each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.
Topic 1 - How to fill up the ice cube trays. Step by step, with
slide
presentation.
Topic 2 - The toilet paper roll: Do they grow on the holders?
Roundtable discussion.
Topic 3 - Is it possible to urinate using the technique of
lifting the ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
14 Votes
|
|
You know your from ALASKA when.... 3/16/2006
You know your from ALASKA when....
- You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- The mosquitoes have landing lights.
- You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
- You have 10 favourite recipes for bottled moose.
- alaska Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores ...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
31 Votes
|
|
The #1 with his #1 Fan at the Honey Doo Tavern 3/16/2006
The
Number One Fan of the Number One Man from Tennessee man a
wild date, He needed $$$$$$ fast so make some $18 bills with
his computer morph program. He decided the best place to
pass off his phony would be at the Jumping Branch Tavern
in Fort Pillow, Tennessee off of Prison Road. So, he got
into his new wheels and off he went ...
6 Comments, 338 Views,
28 Votes
|
|
Ides of March - Hasta La Vista Julius C.... 3/15/2006
Shakespeare made famous this ancient Roman date–the Ides
of March. Beware of the Ides of March - The Soothsayer Told
Mr. Ceasar who didn't listen and met his demise that
day.
Also At on the Ides of March the ancient Romans celebrated
the festival of Anna
Perenna, Roman goddess of the New Year. Anna Perrena is
a derivatie of the words "annual" and "perennial."
In Roman ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
16 Votes
|
|
Now this did make me giggle... 3/15/2006
An elderly couple was attending church services. About
halfway through she leans over and says, "I just let
a silent wind, what do you think I should do?"
He replies, "put a new battery in your hearing aid!"
2 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score |
|
The Frog Wants $$$$$$$ 3/14/2006
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can
see from her name plate that the teller's name is Patricia
Whack.
So, he says, "Mrs. Whack, I'd like to get a loan
to buy a boat and go on a long vacation." Patti looks
at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.
The frog says "$30, 000." The teller asks his
name and the frog says that his name ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
18 Votes
,1.08 Score |
|
Webs Cams and Guys 3/13/2006
What is it about webcams and guys
What could they possible want to see
My Hazel Green Eyes - My Bright Shiny Smile
Laughter, Intellegences - My tealight candles and magickal
crystals. The Historical Church outside my window, tiny
little dragons, geocaching bugs, Voyager Cards, Ferlin
the Mutt. Certainly they don't want to see me me me me
me me and my double ddddddddddddddddd's Naw! ...
3 Comments, 131 Views,
20 Votes
|
|
12 Ways to Communicate with God per Astrolgical Signs 3/12/2006
ARIES: "Dear God! Give me PATIENCE and I want it NOW!"
TAURUS: "Dear God, please help me accept CHANGE in
my life, but NOT YET."
GEMINI: "Yo God...(or is it Goddess?)...Who are
you?...What are you?.....Where are You?.....How many
of you ARE there? I can't figure you out!"
CANCER: "Dear Daddy, I know I shouldn't depend
on you so much, but you're the only One I can ...
0 Comments, 44 Views,
12 Votes
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$$$$ From the Judge 3/12/2006
Judge: "Well, Sir, I have reviewed this case and I've
decided to give your wife $775.00 a week."
Husband: "That's fair, your honor. I'll
try to send her a few bucks myself."
0 Comments, 51 Views,
13 Votes
|
|
Quick Thinking ! LOL 3/12/2006
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket
and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in
that department told him that they only sold whole heads
of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager
about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce."
As he ...
6 Comments, 210 Views,
12 Votes
,5.98 Score |
|
The Perfect Prescription for all..... 3/9/2006
Trust me, this worked for me. Read all about this! I totally
recommend this product!
Ask your doctor or pharmacist
Do you have feelings of inadequacy? Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive? If you answered
yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist
about Tequila®.
Tequila® is the ...
1 Comments, 81 Views,
6 Votes
,5.36 Score |
|
Forrest Gump dies.... 3/9/2006
The day finally arrived; Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However,
the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly
good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell
you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've
been administering an entrance examination ...
2 Comments, 406 Views,
52 Votes
,6.79 Score |
|
what is a true blue relationship for women 3/8/2006
men do all the cooking, spend their money only, do all the
romancing...what???
4 Comments, 64 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
|
After Whoopee Comments & Astrology 3/4/2006
Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
<br>
Taurus: "I'm hungry--pass the pizza."
<br>
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
<br>
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
<br>
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
<br>
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
<br>
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
<br>
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
12 Votes
,0.15 Score |
|
WHAT DO RETIRED PEOPLE DO ALL DAY? 2/24/2006
Working people frequently ask retired people what they
do to make their days
interesting.
<br>
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went
into a shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when
I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on man, how about giving
a senior citizen a break?" He ignored me and continued ...
1 Comments, 130 Views,
11 Votes
,5.97 Score |
|
Talking Dog 2/20/2006
A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in
front of a house: "Talking For Sale." He
rings the bell and the
owner tells him the is in the backyard.The guy goes into
the
backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.
<br>
"You talk?" he asks.
<br>
"Yes, I do, " the Lab replies.
<br>
"So, what's ...
9 Comments, 569 Views,
64 Votes
,7.96 Score |
|
The Adventures of Sushi 2/16/2006
Sushi is Raw Fish
Raw Fish is used for bait
<br>
Ginger is a Spice
Wasabi is Heat
Soy mellows it out
<br>
To attract a mate -
Eat Sushi topped wih Ginger
Dipped in Wasabi and
covered with Soy
<br>
Masculine Splender unless you perfer the other Gender
Heated Passion Mellows Out. It's all good
3 Comments, 141 Views,
33 Votes
|
|
A Whole New Meaning to the English Language!! 2/14/2006
Here's a list of things that give a whole new meaning
to the English Language:
<br>
1. ARBITRATOR: A cook who leaves Arby's to work at McDonalds.
2. AVOIDABLE: What a bullfighter tried to do.
3. BERNADETTE: The act of torching a mortgage.
4. BURGLARIZE: What a crook sees with.
5. CONTROL: A short, ugly inmate.
6. COUNTERFEITERS: Workers who put together kitchen ...
3 Comments, 83 Views,
8 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
Well, we all have a Love/Hate relationship with computers 2/8/2006
Dear Ms. _____________,
<br>
This correspondence is in response to your fervent prayers
of last week. We do want you to know that all were received,
heard, discussed, and reviewed. Heaven is sympathetic
to your demise, regarding your hard drive and tower. We
also appreciate your initiative to solve this earthly
problem on your own. God does appreciate those who help ...
2 Comments, 107 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
Seniors Ads 1/26/2006
(Who says seniors don't have a sense of humor? LO
<br>
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty,
80's, slim, 5'4" (used to be 5'6"),
searching for sharp-looking, sharp-dressing companion.
Matching white shoes and belt a plus.
<br>
LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried
fourth husband, and am looking for someone to round out
a six-unit plot. ...
2 Comments, 147 Views,
7 Votes
,5.08 Score |
|
Little Old Lady 1/26/2006
I just couldn't stop laughing at this one I received
today:
<br>
A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two
plastic garbage >bags with her, one in each hand. There's
a hole in one of the bags, and >every once in a while a $20
bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this,
a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are
$20 bills falling out of that ...
3 Comments, 175 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score |
|
2006-01-07
An intelligence report on the Life helicopter ambush assault
led by Major JKH54 : In the Cloverdale area of British Columbia
Canada near the local insane asylum :
Agent 54 along with him dome, Hobson's choice, belle
la donna and east mountains assaulted an American chopper
in the Cloverdale area . Although under orders not to introduce
violence in any manner Major JKH54 made an immediate field
decision in personally assassinating 2 life flight attendants
along with the pilot and door gunner for what he described
as acts of treason.
They continued their mission as dome safely landed the
chopper near the waiting attendants at the insane asylum
. Hobson's choice along with belle la donna under orders
went into the insane asylum with Major JKH 54 where the Emperor
doctor pigen was guarded by 12 elite pigens. The elite 12
were immediately KIA by 2 m-60 machine gun's used by
belle and Hobson and a model 1921 Thompson wielded by Major
54 . Hobson and belle guarded the door of the operating room
blazing away with their m-60's as reinforcement infantry
trolls arrived . Major 54 held a 45 automatic up to the surgeons
head and forced the surgeon to operate on the horrified
doctor pigeon without anesthesia . The transplant operation
was a success and now the Emperor doctor pigeon has a brand
new set of baby squirrel testicles . Major 54 then assassinated
the American surgeon for what he described as an act of treason
.
Shooting their way out of the insane asylum taking out more
than 50 more trolls on the way they found east mountain's
and dome blazing away from the m-60's in the hello door
gunner positions while being assaulted by infantry trolls
. The team of five then atempted to leave the asylum lifting
off with dome at the controls and Major 54 taking over on
the unmanned m-60 with east mountains never letting off
firing her m-60 . Hobson and belle were firing with their
handheld m-60's as well .
They escape doing heavy damage on the enemy . Although Major
54 was ordered not to engage in battle unless of course it
was necessary in defense of their lives and or of course
unless the enemy refused to surrender . Over 300 pigeons
and an undetermined amount of the infantry trolls lives
were lost in this raid . Dome deemed it necessary to make
three more passes before he maneuvered out of range under
heavy fire . The team of five arrived home very weary . They
were also drunk and were all naked with no casualties. Sassy
was supposed to have been on this mission but was interrogating
prisoners . General Kassr was leading a diversionary defensive
on our own ground successfully . The new commander in chief
newday seemed to be pleased and will be issuing citations
to the team of five and will overlook their alleged drunkness
and nudity.
As submitted to General Hollywood52
Commanding officer, Army Intel.the
That is all .
Report filed by JKH54 1/7/06
Comments, Views,
Votes
|
|
I do't want to end up like that! 1/4/2006
A retired couple visit an ailing friend in a nursing home.
The older man had declined to a point of not recognizing
the couple.
<br>
Later that afternoon the older couple were sitting in their
living room when the man says to his wife, "Honey I
am telling you now whatever happens to me in this life, do
what you have to but don't let just sit around in a vegetative
state like ...
2 Comments, 81 Views,
4 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Wicked Things to Do With Food 12/22/2005
If you are out on a romatice stroll - buy an ice cream cone,
bite off the end and slip it over his finger. take your time
nibbling and licking until he's .....
<br>
Use ice-cream topping to write numbers on each other
<br>
pop a mouthful of frozen berries or tropical fruits in your
mouth instead. They taste great and are a lot easier to hold
in your mouth while....... ...
1 Comments, 177 Views,
18 Votes
,1.35 Score |
|
Penguins, Midget Nuns, Seven Dwarfs and the Pope 12/20/2005
The 7 Dwarfs made a visit to the Pope in Rome. Grumpy asked:
"Your Holiness, are there any midget nuns in Italy?"
The Pope said, " none at all." "Your Holiness,
are there any midget nuns anywhere in the world?"
The Pope answered "none at all". Happy then
turned to Dopey and said: "You see, you screwed a penguin,
not a midget nun."
1 Comments, 95 Views,
10 Votes
,3.78 Score |
|
92 year old stud 12/19/2005
One day, a 92 year old man goes to the doctor for his annual
check up. He brags to the Dr. about having a 19 year old wife
who is with . "What do ya think about that?, Doc."
he boasted.
<br>
The doc thought for a moment and said "You remind me
of another patient I have. He is in his late 80's and
never misses opening day of pheasant hunting with his buddies.
One fall day he ...
1 Comments, 102 Views,
8 Votes
,2.78 Score |
|
Grey and His Two Bells - Astrological Compatibility 12/18/2005
A Wise Woman gave me a positively wicked idea. She suggested
that I do a compatibilty chart between Grey and the Bell.
I wasn't sure which one so I utililzed both Bells and
did a Tri-Compatibility Chart. I will put a disclaimer
because without birth times, the houses cannot be accurate
but it does provide a scenerio and lots of humor.
<br>
Grey is a Gemini - A Mutable Sign. ...
6 Comments, 168 Views,
17 Votes
,0.01 Score |
|
Deer Hunter gets his Just Deserts 12/17/2005
Of course, there is the story of the deer hunter gets up early,
dresses quietly and packs his lunch He puts on his long johns
and camouflage duds. He grabs his gun and starts to warm
up his pick-up truck in anticipation of heading down to
his favorite hunting area.
<br>
Suddenly the rain starts pouring down, It is a torrential
downpour with snow mixed up in the rain. ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
15 Votes
,0.68 Score |
|
GreyBeard Is Pumpkin Nog for the Soul 12/17/2005
Greybeard is the King in Waiting patiently for his throne.
I usually vote for Homeboy. My computer would not let me
vote every twenty-four hours - but whenever I keep voting
for Homeboy, I did so. I even went to the library so that I
could keep voting for Homeboy. I admire his style.
<br>
Nevertheless, the more I inquire about Greybeard, the
more I am convinced ...
3 Comments, 117 Views,
17 Votes
,0.01 Score |
|
winning at love 11/28/2005
To love someone is the most commonest thing in the world.
It has been around for generations and generations, now,
and noone has really grown tired of it.
To win at love can be A very sacred, cherishable, honoured
thing, one has ever done. fOR two people to have that special
feeling for someone, thats what you call "winning
at love"
1 Comments, 93 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
|
Excited about marriage 11/27/2005
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, are all excited about
their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss
the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob
suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the
counter:
<br>
'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes.
<br>
Says Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you
sell heart medication?' ...
0 Comments, 87 Views,
15 Votes
,2.82 Score |
|
ladies beware 11/22/2005
Just heard on the news today that if you marry a devil's
, you will have a devil's father-in-law.. Now
take this which ever way you want, but we should be very careful,
I would think. thankyou
1 Comments, 69 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
open and honest 11/21/2005
First time you meet someone, you should apply humour, sensuality,
and seriousness. One needs to know right away what the other
is like.. Then there won"t be anything to wonder about
and you should have a good idea if you could like that person..
Then each one will have a sense of who they will be dealing
with, and if you want to go out togher again.
tell the other if you got that ...
1 Comments, 71 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Letter Sent To Guy Who Stood Me Up 10/29/2005
It has happened to me more times than I like to admit. My date
doesn’t show or even bothers to call. The first time that
happened, I sat on the floor and cried for about two hours.
<br>
It is dubious that a conservative military veteran and
a freespirited astrologer can make a love connections.
Nevertheless, we both love nature. A hiking buddy with
benefits ...
0 Comments, 124 Views,
11 Votes
,1.11 Score |
|
You Can't Please Everyone 10/13/2005
An old man, a boy & a donkey were going to town. The boy
rode on the
donkey & the old man walked. As they went along they
passed some people
who
remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the
boy was riding.
The
man & boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they
changed
positions.
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
<br>
Later, they passed ...
5 Comments, 178 Views,
12 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
Friday! I'm Fishing 10/9/2005
The husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of
marriage. The counselor asks them what the problem is and
the wife goes
into a tirade listing every problem they have ever had in
the 15 years
they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
<br>
Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces
the woman and kisses her passionately. The woman shuts
up and ...
3 Comments, 172 Views,
12 Votes
,6.33 Score |
|
TOMORROW, BUT ONLY TOMORROW! 9/7/2005
I very happy:
-NOW...I am with my really love....Live in USA, but...he
speak to me that all time meet with me.
-When?
-Tomorrow.
Answer to me always! tomorrow is the today.called of phone:
-hello..you are in airport?
-My dear, my love, now only, tomorrow..
5 MONTHS OF TOMORROW! NEVER MY LOVE ...NEVER YESTERDAY...NEVER
TODAY....BUT...HAVE TOMORROW! ...
2 Comments, 138 Views,
10 Votes
,2.19 Score |
|
The Silver Ladle 8/26/2005
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal,
his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's
roommate Julie was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between John and his roommate, and this only made her more
curious.
<br>
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact,
she started to wonder if there was more between John and
the ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
7 Votes
,3.55 Score |
|
Be Careful What You Wish For! 8/2/2005
Be careful what you wish for!
<br>
<br>
A couple had been debating buying a vehicle for weeks.
<br>
He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like
car so
she could zip through traffic around town.
<br>
He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck,
but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price
range.
...
1 Comments, 162 Views,
8 Votes
,4.64 Score |
|
Tying the Knot 8/2/2005
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are
all
>excited about their decision to get married. They
go for a stroll to
>discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests
>they go in.
> > Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are
you the
>owner?" > > The pharmacist answers, "Yes." > > Jacob: "We're ...
1 Comments, 145 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score |
|
Thirteen... 7/14/2005
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment
down South, when he struck up a conversation with a young
lady in a bar.
<br>
After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own
bottle
and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
<br>
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter
asked as the obviously
young lass was disrobing.
...
1 Comments, 156 Views,
9 Votes
,3.64 Score |
|
Sisters... 7/14/2005
There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins.
<br>
It's Friday night and Gladys looks at Betty and says,
"I'm not
going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not
coming home
'til I've been laid!!"
<br>
Betty says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10
so I don't worry about
you."
<br>
10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of
Gladys...
11 ...
1 Comments, 133 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score |
|
Making Love To... 7/11/2005
How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a
nurse or an airline stewardess?
<br>
A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we
get it right.
<br>
A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.
<br>
And a airline stewardness says put this over your mouth
and nose and breathe normally.
1 Comments, 185 Views,
15 Votes
,4.05 Score |
|
Second Opinion... 7/9/2005
A doctor and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you
are no good in bed either, " and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make
amends and calls home.
<br>
She comes to the phone after many rings and the irritated
husband says, "What took you so long to answer the
phone?" ...
1 Comments, 179 Views,
14 Votes
,4.74 Score |
|
Today I didn't do it!! 7/3/2005
One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem
in his house. His three were outside, still in
their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes
and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door
of his wife's car was open, as was the
front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.
Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.
A lamp ...
2 Comments, 128 Views,
13 Votes
,4.99 Score |
|
The Ten Dollar Jar 6/30/2005
A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a very large
jar behind the counter, which is filled to the brim with
ten-dollar bills. The man guesses there must be thousands
of dollars in it and approaches the bartender to ask: "What's
up with the jar?"
<br>
Bartender: "Well, you pay ten dollars and if you pass
three tests, then you get all the money."
<br>
Man: ...
2 Comments, 161 Views,
9 Votes
,4.28 Score |
|
bumper sticker wisdom 6/25/2005
• If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• The Earth Is Full - Go Home.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
• I Have The Body Of A God - Buddha.
>>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
<br>
...
1 Comments, 163 Views,
6 Votes
,5.07 Score |
|
2 birds, 1 stone 6/18/2005
Chief One Stone got his name from being injured in a battle
years earlier. The word got aroung, "Don't
mess with One Stone, for he may kill you". One evening, One
Stone met Yellow Dove, a pretty indian madien. They talked, and
had sex, which lasted for several hours. Later, Yellow
Dove passed away. Later, the same day, he met Blue Bird, another
lovely maiden. They too eventually ended up ...
1 Comments, 97 Views,
8 Votes
,0.93 Score |
|
The Rules and Where Have You Been?? 6/13/2005
Didn't post the 1st time...had a "no-no"
word in it, I guess.
<br>
The Rules
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
<br>
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you
that I won't be ...
1 Comments, 88 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score |
|
The Rules and Where Have You Been? 6/13/2005
The Rules
<br>
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and
after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
<br>
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what
time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you
that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,
fishing, boozing and ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
Money Talks! 6/12/2005
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the
pastor with an unusual offer:
<br>
<br>
"Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change
the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm
supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey'
and 'be faithful to her forever, ' I'd appreciate
it if you'd just leave that out."
<br>
<br>
He passed the ...
1 Comments, 91 Views,
2 Votes
,4.50 Score |
|
GOSH.... Looking Again! 6/11/2005
Anyone ever quit? Even married people look for soulmates
outside the perimeters of their "professional"
mates, and in perilious parts of their world.
<br>
It is written that marriage is like a besieged fortress.
Those who are out are trying to get in; those who are in are
trying to get out.
<br>
Scan the profiles: some demonstrate innocence, some are
predators ...
1 Comments, 144 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score |
|
Payday... 6/11/2005
A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But it was payday,
so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend
partying with the boys and spending his entire pay check.
<br>
When he finally appeared at home on Sunday night, he was
confronted by his angry wife and was barraged for nearly
two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally
his wife stopped the nagging ...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score |
|
Social Security 6/10/2005
A retired gentleman went to the social security office
to apply for Social Security.
<br>
The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver's
license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized
he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was
very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home.
"I will have to go home and come back later."
The ...
1 Comments, 119 Views,
3 Votes
,4.90 Score |
|
The Mistress... 6/9/2005
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant
when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their
table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll
see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and
says, "Who was that??!!"
<br>
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my
mistress." "That's it, " says the
wife, "I want a divorce."
<br>
...
1 Comments, 110 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score |
|
Viagra Coffee... 6/8/2005
This elderly lady went to the doctor for a checkup. Everything
checked out fine. The old lady pulled the doctor to the side
and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years
now, and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's
sex drive." <br>
The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give
him Viagra?" <br>
The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him
to take ...
1 Comments, 140 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Girrrlllllll...... 6/8/2005
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the
hospital.
While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.
Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up"? God said,
"No. you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days
to live."
<br>
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital
and have a
facelift, Liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so
much ...
1 Comments, 92 Views,
5 Votes
,4.12 Score |
|
Work Out and Feel Better... 6/7/2005
The Doctor told me I should start an exercise program.
Not wanting to harm this old body, I've devised the
following:
<br>
MONDAYS
<br>
Beat around the bush
Jump to conclusions
Climb the walls
Wade through the morning paper
<br>
TUESDAYS
<br>
Drag my heels
Push my luck
Make Mountains out of mole hills
Hit the nail on the head
<br>
...
1 Comments, 78 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score |
|
Old flames 6/3/2005
When does it become acceptable to make a joke about a girl's
"ex jerk" or old flame. It seems okay for her
to tear him to pieces, but sometimes if you put in a dig, she
amazingly comes to his defense. is it best to simply listen
and nod when these discussions take place?
2 Comments, 161 Views,
4 Votes
,0.53 Score |
|
PSYCHOLOGY ROMANCE 5/29/2005
PSYCHOLOGY ROMANCE & MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A ...
1 Comments, 236 Views,
16 Votes
,4.16 Score |
|
Are women good or what?? 5/24/2005
A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents
<br>
began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today."
"With what money?" demanded his parents. We
know what a Porsche costs."
Well, " said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen
dollars."
...
2 Comments, 1207 Views,
134 Votes
,6.89 Score |
|
More Fish in the Sea?? 5/21/2005
As you cruize the pages of this Online "Mail order
Bride/Groom"..... Just remember, don't be
to quick to say "Theres plenty more fish in the sea!"
...At our age.....We are quickly running out of bait!!!
LOL, ROFLMAO!!!!
2 Comments, 206 Views,
8 Votes
,4.17 Score |
|
The new Pastor 5/10/2005
A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home,
but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore,
he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20"
on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offering was processed the following Sunday,
he found that his card had been returned. Added to it ...
7 Comments, 1289 Views,
169 Votes
,6.56 Score |
|
The blonde and the Coke Machine 5/3/2005
There was a beautiful young blonde who was going to a soda
machine and she arrived there just before a business man
coming to quench his thirst. She opened her purse and put
in 50 cents, studied the machine a little, pushed a Diet
Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke which she placed
on a counter by the machine.
Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar
and ...
2 Comments, 473 Views,
39 Votes
,4.54 Score |
|
The Affair! 4/30/2005
The Affair
<br>
<br>
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward,
she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife
to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go
to Italy and have the baby there.
<br>
<br>
"But how will I let you know the baby is born?"
she asked.
<br>
<br>
"Just send me a ...
4 Comments, 1072 Views,
128 Votes
,6.45 Score |
|
Fickle friends 4/30/2005
A man comes home early from work, only to find his wife in
bed with his best friend. The cuckold says to his wife, "This
is most humiliating". To the best friend, he says
"Bad dog".
1 Comments, 196 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score |
|
fairy tales 4/26/2005
DO you know the difference between a fairy tale and a truck
drivers story? A fairy tale starts out with "once
upon a time" and a truck drivers story starts out with
"you aint gonna beleive this sh-t"
1 Comments, 153 Views,
7 Votes
,2.02 Score |
|
keeping it simple.. 4/13/2005
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto.
The blockage will be almost
instantly removed.
<br>
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables
by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
<br>
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet
seat by simply using ...
0 Comments, 160 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score |
|
state-of-the-art technology.. 3/26/2005
An American an Japanese and an Irishman
<br>
<br>
Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked
in a sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American
pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly.
"That was my pager, " he said, "I have
a microchip under the skin of my
arm." A few minutes later a ...
1 Comments, 569 Views,
46 Votes
,4.24 Score |
|
new english words 3/6/2005
some funny new made-up words sent through e-mail:
<br>
Dopeler effect (n): the tendence of stupid ideas to seem
smarter when they come very quickly.
<br>
Arachnoleptic fit (n): the frantic dance performed just
after you've accidently walked through a spider web.
<br>
Karmageddon (n): it's like, when everybody is sending
all of these really bad vibes, right? and ...
1 Comments, 124 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score |
|
masculine vs feminine 3/4/2005
this joke has been circulating through cyberspace:
<br>
a spanish teacher was explaining to her class that in spanish,
unlike in english, nouns are designated as either masculine
or feminine. "house" for instance, is feminine:
"la case". "Pencil", however,
is masculine: "el lapiz". A student asked,
"what gender is "computer"? instead
of giving the answer, the teacher split the ...
1 Comments, 203 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score |
|
Letter to the Wrong Wife... 2/19/2005
A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a
long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter.
They planned to stay at the very same hotel where they spent
their honeymoon 20 years ago. Because both had jobs, they
found it difficult coordinating their travel schedules.
It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a
Thursday, and his wife would follow him ...
1 Comments, 161 Views,
15 Votes
,6.65 Score |
|
Something to think about.... 2/15/2005
A Florida couple, both well into their 70's, go to a
sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, "What
can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that
such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's
absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have ...
1 Comments, 176 Views,
17 Votes
,6.80 Score |
|
The SFF Game 2/14/2005
This could be the result of early dementia, but...
what if we could be on the the SFF Game, kinda like the old
"Dating Game, " except it's for grandparents,
or AARP members who who are seeking compatible others for
their geriatric years. Dink Winkerson would be the host,
with Thrillist Diller as his side kick. (Her job would be
to slap anyone who fell asleep, or flash at someone who looked ...
3 Comments, 282 Views,
10 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
Humor 2/14/2005
A man in Denver decided to write a book about churches around
the country.
He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone
on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign, which
read "$10, 000 a minute." Seeking out the pastor,
he asked about the ...
1 Comments, 346 Views,
44 Votes
,5.46 Score |
|
who got the last laugh 2/12/2005
Adam was talking to god in the garden of eden and told him
he was feeling lonely.
God told adam he could make him a companion that would pamper
to his every need and whim.Cook for him, clean for him, share
his worries and pain and still have time to satisfy his every
desire, but it would cost him an arm and a leg.
Adam thought about it for a while and then said to god that
the price was ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
10 Votes
,2.99 Score |
|
Texas Humor 2/9/2005
Survivor, Texas Style
<br>
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, Texas is planning
to do one
entitled, "Survivor-Texas Style." The contestants will all start in
Dallas, then drive to Waco, Austin, San Antonio, over to
Houston and down to Brownsville. They will then proceed
up to Del Rio, El Paso, Midland, Odessa, Lubbock and Amarillo.
From there they will go on to ...
1 Comments, 103 Views,
7 Votes
,3.04 Score |
|
Humor 2/4/2005
A father walks into a book store with his young . The boy
is
holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going
blue in
the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter and
starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman,
in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper
and
sipping a cup ...
1 Comments, 136 Views,
12 Votes
,5.45 Score |
|
Don’t Mess with Grandma! 1/29/2005
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning
to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her
vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, "I have
a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
<br>
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They
got out and ran like mad. The ...
1 Comments, 872 Views,
103 Votes
,7.86 Score |
|
OMGGG.......he was too cute!! 1/25/2005
When I was living in Australia I got involved in a very sweet
relationship with a man who was 10 years younger than me.
(Now over in Australia men AND women really dont seem to
get too hung up on age) We shared many of the day to day things
such as meal preparation. We also got into some wonderful
discussions after evening tea. One evening we were discussing
humor and how in different ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
25 SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP 1/23/2005
1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
<br>
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
<br>
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
<br>
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
<br>
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
<br>
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
<br>
7. ...
2 Comments, 256 Views,
31 Votes
,6.59 Score |
|
A Grandchild's Freckles 1/22/2005
An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was
sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo.
Lots of were waiting in line to get their cheeks
painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger
paws.
<br>
"You've got so many freckles, there's no
place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little
fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his ...
1 Comments, 46 Views,
2 Votes
,3.12 Score |
|
Grandma's Childhood 1/22/2005
A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what
her own childhood was like. "We used to skate outside
on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree
in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries
in the woods."
<br>
The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she
said, "I
sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
1 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
Grandma & God 1/22/2005
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma,
do you know how you and God are alike?"
<br>
I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how
are we alike?"
<br>
"You're both old, " he said.
1 Comments, 78 Views,
11 Votes
,4.48 Score |
|
Grandma's Age 1/22/2005
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied
"I'm not sure."
<br>
"Look in your underwear, Grandma, " he advised.
"Mine says I'm four."
1 Comments, 59 Views,
4 Votes
,3.25 Score |
|
Learning the Ten Commandments 1/22/2005
A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments.
They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked
if anyone could tell her what it was.
<br>
Susie raised her hand, stood tall, and quoted, Thou shall
not take the covers off thy neighbor's wife."
1 Comments, 54 Views,
6 Votes
,3.08 Score |
|
20,000 Leaks 1/22/2005
Our five-year-old Mark couldn't wait to tell his
friend about the movie we had watched on television, "20, 000
Leagues Under the Sea."
<br>
The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had
kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband
interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to
sink?"
<br>
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,3.80 Score |
|
Learning to Make Babies 1/22/2005
A second grader came home from school and said to her mother,
"Mom, guess what? We learned how to make babies today."
<br>
The mother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep
her cool. "That's interesting, " she
said. "How do you make babies?"
<br>
"It's simple, " replied the girl. "You
just change "y" to "i" and add "es."
<br>
(Why wouldn't an English ...
1 Comments, 115 Views,
20 Votes
,3.64 Score |
|
The Pregnant Fireman 1/22/2005
" Give me a sentence about a public servant, "
said a teacher.
<br>
The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
pregnant."
<br>
The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
you know what pregnant means?" she asked.
<br>
Sure, " said the young boy confidently. "It
means carrying a ."
1 Comments, 105 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score |
|
Coffee for Grandma 1/22/2005
A grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one
morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst
cup of coffee in her life.
<br>
When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little
green Army men in the cup.
<br>
She said "Honey, what are these army men doing in my
coffee?"
<br>
Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
Job Description for a Dalmatian 1/22/2005
A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon
full of home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting
in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The
started discussing the dog's duties.
<br>
"They use him to keep crowds back, " said one
youngster.
<br>
"No, " said another, "he's just
for good luck"
<br>
A third brought the ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
Golden Anniversary 1/17/2005
One day Ole and Lars met for coffee at the local restaurant.
After visiting awhile, Lars said, "Ole, I hear your
50th wedding anniversary is coming up. Are you doing something
special to celebrate?"
<br>
Ole answered, "Yes, I guess so. On our 25th anniversary,
I took Lena to visit Norway, and we had a really good time.
I thought for our 50th anniversary, I'd go back and
pick ...
1 Comments, 59 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
Texans in Heaven 1/16/2005
For those of you who do live or have lived in Texas, and those
of you who are their friends ...
<br>
<br>
Gabriel came to the Lord and said, "I have to talk to
you, I have some Texans up here in Heaven who are causing
some problems. They are swinging on the Pearly Gates, my
horn is missing, barbecue sauce is all over their robes,
ham hock, sparerib, and pig feet bones ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score |
|
Simple Logic 1/16/2005
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those littlebottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian
backwards: NAIVE
<br>
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like
making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
<br>
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the
"Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known
as the "Bucs, " what ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score |
|
Why Men are Dogs and Women are Cats 1/16/2005
How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
1. Golden Retriever:
The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole
lives
ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid
burned out
bulb?
<br>
2. Border Collie:
Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's
not up to code.
<br>
3. Dachshund:
You know I can't reach that ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score |
|
Harold Was an Old Man 1/16/2005
Harold was an old man. He was sick and in a nursing home.
<br>
There was one young nurse that just drove him crazy. Every
time she came in, she would talk to him like he was a little
. She would say in a patronizing tone of voice, "And
how are we doing this morning, or are we ready for a bath,
or are we hungry?" Old Harold had had enough of this
particular nurse.
<br>
...
1 Comments, 38 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
Ramblings of a Retired Mind 1/16/2005
Ramblings of a Retired Mind -
<br>
<br>
<br>
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford
one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
<br>
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized
that people didn't like me anyway.
<br>
I was thinking that women ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
0 Votes
|
|
A Carrot, an Egg and a cup of Coffee 1/15/2005
There's a reason I like coffee
<br>
<br>
A carrot, an egg and a cup of coffee... You will never look
at a cup of coffee the same way again.
<br>
A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life
and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she
was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of
fighting and struggling. It seemed as ...
2 Comments, 75 Views,
4 Votes
,4.80 Score |
|
Don't Be Late!!! 1/14/2005
Don't be late!
<br>
<br>
A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth
anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local
politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen
to make the presentation and give a little speech at the
dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided
to say his own few words while they ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
|
Grandma's Birth Control 1/14/2005
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been prescribed for her.
A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most
of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new
doctor told her to bring list of all the medicines that had
been ...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Fear the Word! 1/14/2005
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening
of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its
valuables, she yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38!"
<br>
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. Then the woman calmly
called the police and explained what she had done.
<br>
As the officer cuffed ...
1 Comments, 43 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
IDIOTS AT WORK 1/14/2005
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when
the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of
the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete
the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked
why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the
signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She ...
1 Comments, 76 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
Bumper Stickers We'd Like to See 1/14/2005
Jesus loves you ... but everyone else thinks you're
an ass.
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
Impotence:Â nature's way of saying, "No hard
feelings."
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
The proctologist called. They found your head.
<br>
<br>
Â
<br>
Your ridiculous little opinion has been noted.
<br>
<br>
Â
...
1 Comments, 65 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
A Cat Story.... 1/9/2005
You don't have to own a cat to appreciate this one...
<br>
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine
on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard.
<br>
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front ...
2 Comments, 116 Views,
3 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
Don't Fart in Bed 1/7/2005
(If this story doesn't make you cry for laughing so
hard, let me know and I will pray for you. Beware - sit down
and make sure you have nothing in your mouth before reading.
We can't have you falling over or choking!)
<br>
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married
for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's
habit of farting loudly every ...
1 Comments, 218 Views,
21 Votes
,5.23 Score |
|
Four Parrots 1/7/2005
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only
know how to say one
thing."
<br>
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
<br>
They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have
some fun?"
<br>
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed.
You know, " he said, "I have two male talking ...
1 Comments, 112 Views,
12 Votes
,5.80 Score |
|
Inanimate Gender 1/7/2005
You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.
<br>
For example...
<br>
Ziploc Bags Male
<br>
They hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
<br>
<br>
Copiers Female
<br>
Once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's
an effective reproductive device if the right ...
1 Comments, 118 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
Passing this on !! 1/2/2005
Here's a good joke to get everyone's weekend start
off right!
A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she
needs some cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained
she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's
eyes got big and
he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide
to kill your husband!
That's against the ...
3 Comments, 776 Views,
106 Votes
,6.40 Score |
|
Mistakes I Won't Make Again, Maybe 12/23/2004
After she spends a lot of time and money at the beauty parlor,
I will never put the top down on the car when we go out.....even
if it was an improvement. Even if she likes the wine, she
gets two glasses and that's it. I won't leave her
to sit in on stage when the guitarist doesn't show up.
I've found taking the pets along on dates usually doesn't
work out for the pets. When she makes that ...
2 Comments, 113 Views,
13 Votes
,1.47 Score |
|
Not a good day for Santa 12/7/2004
When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee
elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning
to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
<br>
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This
stressed Santa even more.
<br>
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three
of them were
about ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Simple Sims. 12/5/2004
I have the experience. There are many people on the net.
They all want to have good friends, be nice partners and
are outgoing and with many interests. Just like it were
the ideal Atlantida.But what about when one enters the
room! Only silence, and humor and all are laughing and ful
of knowledge end joy.
Is that the life?
Are we really such a simple Sims ???
1 Comments, 33 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
First Date 12/1/2004
First date
<br>
We have all had bad dates...but this takes the cake. This
just tells you how tough it is to be single nowadays.
<br>
This was on the "Tonight Show" with Jay Leno.
Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing
first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her
worst first date experience. There was absolutely no question
as to why her ...
0 Comments, 33 Views,
9 Votes
,4.07 Score |
|
Wishing For 11/28/2004
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny
passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her
body and moaning, "I need a man, I
need a man! "Over the next couple of months, he saw
her doing this several times. One day, he came home from
school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom,
he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room,
took off ...
1 Comments, 23 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
|
THE EULOGY 11/28/2004
She married and had 13 . Her husband died. She married
again and had 7 more . Again, her husband died.
But, she remarried and this time had 5 more . Alas,
she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher
prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving
woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."
<br>
One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,4.31 Score |
|
May-December Romance 11/28/2004
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting
on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked
her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband
at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up
and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly
ground coffee." <br>
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" <br>
She said, "He ...
1 Comments, 30 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score |
|
Time for Name Tags 11/28/2004
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a
few times a week to play cards.
<br>
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've
been friends for a long time.....but I just can't ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,2.82 Score |
|
My Senility Prayer 11/28/2004
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked
anyway,
<br>
The good fortune to run into the ones I do,
<br>
And the eyesight to tell the difference.
0 Comments, 33 Views,
5 Votes
,3.14 Score |
|
Women don't give Mixed Signals! 11/26/2004
Since the subject of “mixed signals” was brought up by the
ladies, some of whom admitting that ladies do this while
a few seem to be in a fog and deny it, I assume the topic is fair
game. I have been waiting for this topic like a hungry wolf!
<br>
To say that ladies give “mixed signals” is an understatement!
And any woman that denies that this is the one ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score |
|
How To Decide Who To Marry! 11/26/2004
( 1 ) You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like,
if
you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she
should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10
<br>
( 2 ) No person really decides before they grow up who they're
going
to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find
out
later who you're stuck with.
-- Kirsten, ...
1 Comments, 36 Views,
4 Votes
,4.02 Score |
|
Signs that you've grown up! 11/20/2004
SIGNS THAT YOU'VE GROWN UP:
<br>
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can't smoke
any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead ...
0 Comments, 43 Views,
40 Votes
,6.67 Score |
|
Call the Shots! 11/20/2004
A new nurse listened while Dr. Blake was yelling, "Typhoid!
Tetanus! Measles!"
The new nurse asked another nurse, "Why is he doing
that?" The other nurse replied, "Oh, he just
likes to call the shots around here."
0 Comments, 27 Views,
8 Votes
,2.32 Score |
|
Tollbooth Humor! 11/20/2004
When the driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig,
he plowed into an empty toll booth and smashed it to bits.
<br>
Unhurt, he climbed down from the cab and looked around.
In minutes, a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew
of workers.
<br>
The men from the crew each picked up a broken piece of the
former tollbooth and spread some kind of creamy substance ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
9 Votes
,1.72 Score |
|
The Silent Treatment 11/13/2004
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving
each
other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
that the next
day,
he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning
business flight. Not wanting to be the
first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where
he ...
4 Comments, 70 Views,
12 Votes
,5.27 Score |
|
Pearly Gates 11/11/2004
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter
at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season, " Saint Peter
said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes
Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out
a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter ...
1 Comments, 33 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
Goodsoul51"s Money saving tips 4 Seniors 11/11/2004
A couple, both age 76, went to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor
<br>
asked, "What can I do for you?"
<br>
<br>
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor
looked puzzled, but agreed.
<br>
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's
nothing wrong with
the way you have intercourse, " and charged them
$50.
...
0 Comments, 31 Views,
8 Votes
,4.87 Score |
|
Blow-Up Dolls 11/7/2004
I was in the chat room and someone mentioned a blow-up doll...well
let me tell you about blow-up dolls. I was feeling lonely
so I bought one...never reading the instructions (guy
thing) I used shop air (120psi) to inflate her...KA-POW...well
rats, reads inflating instructions, ok now do not exceed
2 psi, oppsss. So I got another one...this time all is well
inflating her....got her outta the ...
2 Comments, 87 Views,
19 Votes
,7.74 Score |
|
Gotta love it! 11/4/2004
A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner.
<br>
He notices a bowl of peanuts beside her bed. He takes one.
<br>
As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after
another.
<br>
By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty.
<br>
He says, "Ma'am, I'm so sorry, but I seem
to have eaten all of your peanuts." ...
2 Comments, 31 Views,
5 Votes
,3.47 Score |
|
Personal Ads...What women really mean!!!! LOL 11/3/2004
Women Lies……in the personals and what they really mean
<br>
40ish ….................49
Adventurous……… Slept with everyone
Athletic……………No****
Average Looking…..Ugly
Beautiful….Pathological liar
Contagious smile……Dose a lot of pills
Emotionally secure…On ...
1 Comments, 31 Views,
10 Votes
,2.79 Score |
|
Recent study 11/1/2004
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
<br>
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about
their ass! I thought the results were pretty interesting:
<br>
85% of women think their ass is too big...
10% of women think their ass is too little...
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him,
he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
0 Comments, 33 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score |
|
GOTCHA! 11/1/2004
A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have
been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss & several
of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good
opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been
wanting so could you please pack enough clothes for a week
and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from
the office & I will swing by the
house to pick my ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
12 Votes
,6.33 Score |
|
The Gentleman 11/1/2004
A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well dressed,
hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel
smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well
looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders
a drink, takes a sip, turns to her ...
0 Comments, 22 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
Perception? 11/1/2004
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street
with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later
the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're
really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get
a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said,
"I didn't say that. ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score |
|
**Soulmates In Cyber Space** 10/31/2004
This was written in a frustrated moment by a friend of mine
who used to be a member of SFF. She no longer frequents the
site, but she left me this poem to ponder over after having
had many men lie and fabricate stories to her ........
However, we are fully aware that this can also happen both
ways, so any male out there who wishes to put his two bob's
worth in, feel free..........(smiling) ...
1 Comments, 129 Views,
28 Votes
,7.04 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 laughs 9 10/27/2004
True Doctor Stories
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells,
> "My wife's going to
> have her baby in the
> cab!" I grabbed my stuff,
> rushed out to the cab,
> lifted the lady's --Dress,
> and began to take off her
> underwear. ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 Laughs 7 10/27/2004
How many Aries does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a lot of light bulbs.
<br>
. How many Tauruses does it take to change a light bulb?
What, me move?
<br>
. How many Geminis does it take to change a light bulb?
II
<br>
. How many Cancers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to bring his ...
0 Comments, 41 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score |
|
Humour from Goodsoul51 laughs6 10/27/2004
this!"
>
> DRESS-UP
>
> A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party.
When she saw
>her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy,
you shouldn't wear that
>suit." "And why not, darling?" "You
know that it always gives you a
>headache the next morning."
>
> DEATH
>
> While walking along the sidewalk in front of his ...
0 Comments, 34 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
Humour From Goodsoul51- Lauighs 2 10/27/2004
Notes For The Milkman
<br>
These are actual notes left for the Milkman.
<br>
"Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave
another one."
<br>
"Please leave an extra pint of paralyzed milk."
<br>
"Please don't leave any more milk. All they do
is drink it."
<br>
"Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife
had a baby, ...
0 Comments, 23 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
Humour From Goodsoul51 - Laughs 3 10/27/2004
<br>
%
<br>
Why We Love
>
>
> NUDITY
>
> I was driving with my three young one warm
summer evening when
>a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved.
She was stark
>naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old
shout from
>the back-seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing
a seat belt!"
>
> ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
Humour From Goodsoul51 - Laughs 4 10/27/2004
>
> OPINIONS
>
> On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his
teacher a note
>from his mother. The note read, "The opinions
expressed by this are
>not necessarily those of his parents."
>
> KETCHUP
>
> A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out
of the jar.
>During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
2 Votes
,2.42 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 Laughs 8 10/27/2004
This one comes from my Pagan friends
<br>
<br>
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon
a large, raging, violent river. They needed to get to the
other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed
to Woden, saying, "Please Woden, give me the strength
to cross this river."
<br>
Poof!
<br>
Woden gave him big ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score |
|
Humour From Goodsoul51-Laughs 1 10/27/2004
Church Bulletins
<br>
Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced
in church services:
<br>
1. Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking
tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all
the way from Africa.
<br>
2. Announcement in a church bulletin for a ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Halloween Humour from Goodsoul51 10/27/2004
Ten Signs You Are Too Old For Halloween
<br>
You get winded from knocking on the door
<br>
You have to have someone chew the candy for you
<br>
You ask for high fiber candy only.
<br>
When someone drops a candy bar in your bag, you lose your
balance and fall over.
<br>
People say, "Great Keith Richards mask!" and
you're not wearing ...
0 Comments, 29 Views,
3 Votes
,2.94 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 laughs 10 10/27/2004
You can't read this and stay in a bad mood!
<br>
<br>
<br>
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
<br>
Unique Up On It.
<br>
<br>
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
<br>
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
<br>
<br>
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
<br>
They Take The Psycho Path ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
4 Votes
,2.86 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 laughs 11 10/27/2004
A five year old and a four year old are upstairs in
their bedroom. "You know what?" says the five
year
old, "I think it's about time we start swearing."
The four year old nods his head in approval. The 5
year old continues, "When we go downstairs for
breakfast I'm gonna say "hell", and you
say "ass",
okay?" The four year old agrees with enthusiasm.
<br>
<br>
...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
3 Votes
,3.43 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 Laughs 12 10/27/2004
> > Subject: An affair or two or six
> >
> >
> > > The First Affair
> > >
> > > A married man was having an affair with his
secretary.
> > >
> > > One day, their passions overcame them and
they took off for her house,
> > > where they made passionate love all afternoon.
> > >
> > > ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 Laughs 13 10/27/2004
Subject: Moses at the airport
>Date: Sat, 7 Feb 2004 11:00:43 -0400
>
>Moses at the airport
>
>Recently while going through an airport during one
of his many trips,
>
>President Bush encountered a man with long hair, wearing
a white robe and
>sandals, holding a staff.
>
>President Bush went up to the man and said, "Aren't
you Moses?" ...
0 Comments, 36 Views,
3 Votes
,1.96 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 Laughs 14 10/27/2004
SCRABBLE
<br>
This has got to be one of the most clever E-mails. Someone
out there
either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
(wait till
you see the last one)!
<br>
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
<br>
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
<br>
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange ...
0 Comments, 15 Views,
4 Votes
,2.47 Score |
|
Jokes from the Goodsoul51 Laughs 15 10/27/2004
PEST CONTROL
<br>
A woman was having a passionate affair with an
inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon
they were carrying on in the bedroom
together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick, " said the woman to her lover, "
into the
closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
<br>
The husband, however, became suspicious and ...
0 Comments, 45 Views,
8 Votes
,4.41 Score |
|
Understanding Women 10/23/2004
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden he said out loud, Lord, grant me one wish.suddenly
the sky clouded above his head, and in a booming voice the
Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful
to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish". The man
said, "Build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over
anytime I want to".
The Lord said, Your ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score |
|
Games for Old People 10/21/2004
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.
1 Comments, 37 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score |
|
One Smart Bird 10/13/2004
A man went to visit his long time friend that he had not seen in several years. After his friend showed him around the place they entered the den,where he saw a beautiful pariot in a very large cage. "What a marvelous feathered friend you have",he remarked. "Yep,and he talks and does tricks too". The visitor noticed a string tied to each of the birds legs and ask,"what are the strings for"? Oh ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
5 Votes
,5.75 Score |
|
Can't Get Into Heaven 10/12/2004
Three ministers and their wives were riding in a car and
got into an accident. They all were killed and went to Heaven.
God said to the first minister " I'm not letting
you into Heaven " and the minister asked "Why".
God replied, " Because all you think about is Money,
Money Money!! "That's all you think about".
" You think about it so much that you married a woman
named Penny so I'm not ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score |
|
Preacher's Donkey 10/10/2004
Preacher's Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told
the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique
way (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make
the donkey go, is to say, "Hallelujah!"
<br>
The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, "Amen!"
<br>
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got
on the animal to ...
1 Comments, 44 Views,
11 Votes
,6.16 Score |
|
Singing In Church 10/6/2004
Singing In Church
A minister decided to try something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said, "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn comes to your mind." The pastor shouted out, "Cross!"
Immediately the congregation started singing in unison "The Old Rugged Cross."
The ...
1 Comments, 38 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score |
|
I Get Just As Much 10/6/2004
What did the bathtub say to the commode??? "Look buddy, I
get just as much A-- as you do, only I don't have to put
up with all that S---!".
1 Comments, 57 Views,
2 Votes
,1.04 Score |
|
What Was That For??? 10/2/2004
An old couple maw and paw, were on the front porch.Paw in
his rocking chair, whittleing, maw in her rocking chair, knitting.
Moments pass and Maw reaches over and slaps paw in back of
the head, knocking him off the porch and into the rose bushes.
He finally struggles back to his chair and says to maw."what
was that for?", she replies, "For haveing
such a small one". About 30 minutes late, ...
1 Comments, 67 Views,
14 Votes
,6.18 Score |
|
TOMMY and HIS TRAIN 10/1/2004
Little Tommy was playing with his new electric train set
in the livingroom floor. As it passed the little station,
he
tooted the horn.Passing the station again, he stopped
the train and said, "All you Mother F---ers that
want off, better get off now". Starting the train
up again, he stopped the train on the opposite side of the
track and said, "All you S.O.B.'s that want
on, now is ...
1 Comments, 39 Views,
9 Votes
,2.78 Score |
|
The Talking Dog 9/30/2004
A man driving down a neighborhood street spotted a sign
on a fence, "TALKING DOG, $10.00". The man
stopped and ask if the sign was for real. The owner said, "Sure, he
is in the back yard, go see for yoursef". The man and
did so. As he approached the dog, the said, "HELLO, HOW
ARE YOU TODAY?". The man began to question the animal.
"So, when did you learn to talk?". the replied, "At
an early ...
1 Comments, 34 Views,
7 Votes
,4.06 Score |
|
Struttin Your Stuff 9/26/2004
A young man took his girlfriend to her first baseball game.
In the 1st inning the batter takEs his place. The picher
throws..."Strike one" says the umpire.Then
he yells out, "Ball one", then another strike, and
the ball is hit... The young man stands up and shouts, "Run, Run",
"Darling", says the girlfirend, I don't
understand. "Oh, let me explain", said the
man. "He hit the ball so he ...
1 Comments, 48 Views,
11 Votes
,1.86 Score |
|
Blonde At Work 9/26/2004
A curvy blonde went door-to-door, looking for work to earn
some extra money. One man answered her knock and she explained
she was looking for anything he could give her. He said "I'll
give you $50 to paint my porch." She said "I can
do that!"
<br>
He gave her a can of grey paint & brush, and pointed to
the yard. "It's in the back!".
<br>
6 hours later, the blonde ...
2 Comments, 84 Views,
18 Votes
,5.17 Score |
|
Lets lighten up with some humour!!!!!! 9/19/2004
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra
than on Alzheimer's research.
<br>
This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly
population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely
no recollection of what to do with them.
1 Comments, 58 Views,
9 Votes
,5.35 Score |
|
Just a joke! 9/9/2004
Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament
in Atlantic City.
<br>
The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde
team rides on the top level.
<br>
The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great
time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything
from ...
2 Comments, 78 Views,
17 Votes
,5.11 Score |
|
Great to be a woman! 9/8/2004
It is good to be a woman:
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. ...
2 Comments, 52 Views,
14 Votes
,3.78 Score |
|
Men and women 9/8/2004
When you were a you were really cute. When you were
in your twenties I was discovering what you were about.
When you were in your thirties I learned what it was like
to be ignored because of chidren. When you were in your forties
you were leaving me and taking my money. When you were in
your fifties you were discovering a new independence.
Now that your in your sixties you can sometimes ...
1 Comments, 40 Views,
12 Votes
|
|
Everyone is looking...where do I go to find him/her...imagine this.... 9/7/2004
So, everyone has an answer…Where you can meet someone that
is…..Now, I never said they had the right answers. Obviously
one would think of the natural places. Places which everyone
must visit if even for an occasion…
<br>
I speak directly of the grocery store…Some stores even
cater to singles in their area. I am familiar with one such
store that held a ...
1 Comments, 56 Views,
12 Votes
,3.68 Score |
|
Shopping for what???????? yikes! 9/7/2004
one would think of the naSo, everyone has an answer…Where you can meet someone that
is…..Now, I never said they had the right answers. Obviouslytural places. Places which everyone
must visit if even for an occasion…
<br>
I speak directly of the grocery store…Some stores even
cater to singles in their area. I am familiar with one such
store that held a ...
1 Comments, 41 Views,
7 Votes
,2.79 Score |
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ON LINE CHATROOM CREATIVE WRITING CONTEST 9/1/2004
Hello everybody. My handle is Ricky Spin. I am a trying to
organize an Online Chatroom Creative Writing Contest.
I have n ot set the time or room yet as I thought it would be
cool to accomodiate as many as I could after I get some responses.
<br>
The required style will romance. AS in romance novel and
true love magazine. (This is about relationships)
<br>
The theme ...
0 Comments, 40 Views,
18 Votes
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You're Out! 8/28/2004
Three Ladies at the Game
This is a detective story so pay close attention!!!
<br>
Three elderly ladies are excited about seeing their first
Cubs
<br>
baseball game. They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniel's
into the ballpark. The
<br>
game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves
immensely mixing the
<br>
Jack Daniel's with soft drinks. Soon ...
2 Comments, 67 Views,
89 Votes
,6.93 Score |
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My Relationship is not working...with my computer.. 8/24/2004
Dear Yankee Princess,
<br>
This correspondence is in response to your fervent prayers
of last week. We do want you to know that all were received,
heard, discussed, and reviewed. Heaven is sympathetic
to your demise, regarding your hard drive and tower. We
also appreciate your initiative to solve this earthly
problem on your own. God does appreciate those who help ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
42 Votes
,6.70 Score |
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She was so blonde.......... 8/17/2004
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box
because it said "concentrate".
<br>
...she put lipstick on her forehead
because she wanted to make up her mind.
<br>
...she told me to meet her
at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T
WALK".
<br>
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
<br>
...she tried to put M&M's in ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
33 Votes
,4.34 Score |
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Dress rules for the over 50 crowd 8/15/2004
Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following
combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided.
<br>
1. A nose ring and bifocals.
<br>
2. Spiked hair and bald spots.
<br>
3. A pierced tongue and dentures.
<br>
4. Miniskirts and support hose.
<br>
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads.
<br>
6. Speedos and ...
2 Comments, 97 Views,
127 Votes
,7.71 Score |
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reply to YOUNGER GUYS WANT OLDER WOMEN 8/15/2004
Buddy I agree with you, but you have some terrible mispellings.
To make yourself more attractive to old ladies here, you
had better polish your humor a little bit. If you only want
old women, don't bother. LOL
1 Comments, 86 Views,
27 Votes
,3.56 Score |
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DRINKS OR ??????? 8/15/2004
A BAPTIST WAS SEATED NEXT TO A MARINE ON A FLIGHT TO MEMPHIS,
TENNESSEE.
<br>
AFTER THE PLANE WAS AIRBORNE, DRINK ORDERS WERE TAKEN.
THE MARINE ASKED FOR A SCOTCH AND SODA, WHICH WAS BROUGHT
AND PLACED BEFORE HIM.
<br>
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT THEN ASKED THE MINISTER IF HE WOULD
LIKE A DRINK.
<br>
HE REPLIED IN DISGUST, "I'D RATHER BE SAVAGELY
BY BRAZEN ...
1 Comments, 74 Views,
31 Votes
,8.13 Score |
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Female at different ages 8/8/2004
What s the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18,
28, 38, 48 and 58?
<br>
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
<br>
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
<br>
28 - You don t need to tell her any story and take her to bed.
<br>
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
<br>
48 - You ...
1 Comments, 73 Views,
33 Votes
,6.08 Score |
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Words Women Use 7/28/2004
FINE
<br>
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
<br>
FIVE MINUTES
<br>
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes
is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes
to watch the game before helping around the house.
<br>
NOTHING
<br>
This is the calm ...
1 Comments, 52 Views,
25 Votes
,5.90 Score |
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Bra Shopping 7/27/2004
A woman who is having her first date with a man she met on SFF
decides she would like to buy some dainty lingerie. She
goes into Victoria's Secret and is a bit perplexed
since it's been quite awhile since her last puchase
of this type of flimsy garments. Upon approaching the salesperson,
she is asked what size she needs. In a loud, clear voice she
responds - 40 long. Gravity does have ...
1 Comments, 77 Views,
20 Votes
,4.40 Score |
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D Sharp Cup 7/15/2004
First of all I didn't mean to start a fight or offend
anyone in my comment that most men prefer B cups over D cups.
Notice I avoided C cups which I and I think most men and hollywood
believe is the optimum. I suppose saying B cups are preferable
to D cups may offend those women with D cups, especially
if they have bought them. But I was merely trying to make
what I believed to be a ...
1 Comments, 149 Views,
41 Votes
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Jewish Fly Question 7/12/2004
Okay, she rubbed his kneww! Was that supposed to be knee
or is this a reference to what he knew, in the biblical sense?
0 Comments, 53 Views,
80 Votes
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Elderly Meal! 7/11/2004
A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to
lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had
ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he
watched, the gentleman carefully divided the
hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one
for him, one for her, until each had half of them.
Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra
cup and set that in front of his wife. ...
1 Comments, 68 Views,
99 Votes
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More Irish Drinking....... 6/10/2004
Mick and Paddy were coming out of the pub after the usual
night of heavy drinking - only this night they are later
than usual.
<br>
"Beejeezez!" says Mick, "All the buses
are finished. Oy, Paddy, we'll have to walk home."
<br>
So, off they set. It's not long before they come upon
the bus depot, all quiet and shrouded in darkness. Mick
suddenly says, "Oy, Paddy.... ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
18 Votes
,5.58 Score |
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Why all the questions ? 6/1/2004
It is your first 'date', your first look at each
other. He/she wants to know all about you, some of the questions
are irrelevant, some of the questions are rude, some of
the questions are out of place in the first date timing.
You are listening, more than he/she. The time spent is too
long, you want to flee, boredom sets in, you know that there
is no connection, that you dont want to see ...
1 Comments, 86 Views,
16 Votes
,2.10 Score |
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Tear of Mosquito 5/24/2004
Dusk pulled darkness over the heaven eventually. Birds,
worms, and insects sing and dance in the bush and grass,
just like a party.
<br>
There are two mosquitoes resting on a leaf of grass.
<br>
The male mosquito took a sip of grass juice, and elbowed
the female one who was in bad temper and stood like dead,
he said, "darling, please take a sip, you have rejected ...
1 Comments, 95 Views,
127 Votes
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wanna be whoppers!!!!??? 5/13/2004
why does it not surprise me that when some wanna be stud comes
into chat and brahs about him self =you know the i am 6ft something, has
a 6 pack figure and was at the head of the line when the the
FAMILEY JEWELS were being handed out?? well guys if you
are all that, then tell me this where did it get you in your
past life hu?if you have all that then good on you , enjoy
, but if you are ...
1 Comments, 132 Views,
48 Votes
,3.23 Score |
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Vaseline 5/6/2004
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years.
He breaks into a
house to look for money and finds a young couple in bed. He
orders the
guy
out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to
the bed he
gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into
the bathroom.
While he's in there the husband tells his wife:"
Listen, this guys an
...
1 Comments, 114 Views,
84 Votes
,3.62 Score |
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Apples 5/3/2004
Subject: Apples
<br>
Women are like apples on trees: the best ones are at the top
of the tree.
Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because
they are afraid of
falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten
apples from the
ground that aren't as good, but easy....... So the
apples at the top think
something is wrong with them, when in reality, ...
1 Comments, 107 Views,
263 Votes
,7.48 Score |
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good luck 4/12/2004
If a man who can not count finds a four leaf clover, is he entitled
to good luck?
2 Comments, 123 Views,
145 Votes
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Buckets and Saucers 4/12/2004
A man doing a study on contrceptives and birth control was
canvassing a neighborhood. At one house he met a very tall
young lady who said she had been married for 10 years and
hadn't gotten pregnant yet. He asked if she used a method
of birth control and she said"Why of course! I use
the "bucket and saucer" method. The man was
taken aback and said he had never heard of this method and ...
1 Comments, 128 Views,
27 Votes
,1.56 Score |
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Size does matter 3/5/2004
A male friend was tellinhg me of his predicament when he
started a new relationship with a woman after the death
of his wife. They made plans to spend the night together
and at first he was baffled when she told him that he had better
stop by the drug store on his way over. then he realized she
wanted him to buy condoms. Embarrassed, he hurried in grabbed
the first ones he saw and felt ...
1 Comments, 181 Views,
90 Votes
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The twelve cats of Christmas 12/17/2003
THE TWELVE CATS OF CHRISTMAS
<br>
<br>
The Twelve Cats of Christmas
On the first day of Christmas when I brought home my tree
My 12 cats were laughing at me.
<br>
On the second day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
2 mangled garlands
and my 12 cats laughing at me.
<br>
On the third day of Christmas I saw beneath my tree
3 missing Wise Men
...
1 Comments, 418 Views,
129 Votes
,3.46 Score |
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Christmas with Louise 12/17/2003
As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over
his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was
for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking
the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning,
although Jay's ' stockings were overflowed,
his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.
<br>
One year I decided to make his dream come ...
1 Comments, 377 Views,
130 Votes
,4.94 Score |
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It All Adds Up... 12/5/2003
On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You
must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer
under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer
I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you
want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years
and I'll give back the other ...
3 Comments, 2073 Views,
752 Votes
,7.53 Score |
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Chivalry Never Dies... 12/5/2003
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband
was falling asleep but the wife felt romantic and wanted
to talk.
"You use to hold my hand when we were courting, "
said the wife. Wearily, the husband reached across, held
her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said "Then you used ...
3 Comments, 2778 Views,
525 Votes
,6.61 Score |
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The Agony and the Ecstasy 12/5/2003
Three guys die together and go to heaven. St. Peter says,
"We only have one rule here: Don't step on the
ducks, as they are God's favorite creation."
They enter heaven and see ducks everywhere, and it's
almost impossible NOT to step on a duck. The first guy accidentally
steps on one, and soon here comes St. Peter with the ugliest
woman you've ever seen. St. Peter chains ...
1 Comments, 1841 Views,
1107 Votes
,7.73 Score |
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There's a Limit to Everything. 12/5/2003
An elderly woman accompanied her even more elderly husband
to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your
husband is suffering from a very severe disease combined
with horrible stress. If you don't do the following,
your husband will surely die:
<br>
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant;
make sure he ...
1 Comments, 1199 Views,
741 Votes
,7.04 Score |
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Ted's Dead 12/5/2003
Two elderly women meet at the launderette after not seeing
one another for some time. After inquiring about each other’s
health, one asked how the other’s husband was doing.
<br>
<br>
“Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up
a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack, and dropped down
dead right there in the middle of the vegetable ...
1 Comments, 468 Views,
250 Votes
,0.20 Score |
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Another Irish Drinking Joke! 12/5/2003
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three
<br>
pints
of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip
out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back
to the bar and orders three more. The bartender
asks him,
"You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would
taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman
replies, ...
2 Comments, 2810 Views,
749 Votes
,6.63 Score |
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Elephant Joke 11/19/2003
Why do elephants drink?
<br>
To forget.
1 Comments, 101 Views,
233 Votes
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Need a Job? Try the Grand Canyon. 11/19/2003
I worked as a seasonal employee at the Grand Canyon, and
I'm here to tell you that if you're breathing (or
even if you're not), you can get hired there. I once
saw a convicted carjacker hired as a tourbus driver...
nobody had even read his resume. Or maybe they did, and though
his skill base might come in handy at some point.
<br>
Intelligence is likewise not a prerequisite. ...
1 Comments, 201 Views,
237 Votes
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