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THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD!!! 1/25/2009
If you are 30 or older you will think this is hilarious!!!!
When I was a , adults used to bore me to tears With their
tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they
were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to
school every morning. Uphill... barefoot.... BOTH ways
Yadda, yadda, yadda
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, There
was no ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Tour 1/22/2009
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through
Holland . As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide
led them through the process of cheese making, explaining
that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely
hillside where many goats were grazing. 'These'
she explained, 'Are the older goats put out to pasture
when they no longer produce.' She then asked, 'What
do you do in ...
0 Comments, 16 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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PUN INTENDED 1/18/2009
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll
serve you, but don't start anything.'
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Gramps has his hands full 1/18/2009
A woman is in a grocery store and happens upon a grandpa and
his poorly behaving 3 year-old grandson at every turn. It's obvious
Gramps has his hands full with the screaming for candy in the candy
aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle; same for fruit, cereal and soda.
Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in
a controlled voice, 'Easy, Albert, we won't be long -- easy,
boy.' ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
3 Votes
,5.39 Score
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NEW MEDS 1/16/2009
Stressed out today? Cheer up! Modern medicine has come
up with some great > new stuff to make life easier.
• St. Mom's Wort ... Plant extract that treats mom's
depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for
up to six hours.
• Empty Nestrogen ... Highly effective suppository that
eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were
as ...
0 Comments, 10 Views,
0 Votes
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SERENITY 1/13/2009
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came
up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98, ' she
replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96, ' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do ...
0 Comments, 17 Views,
0 Votes
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Monastery in Europe 1/4/2009
There is a story about a monastery in Europe perched high
on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in
a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who
pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was
terrifying. One tourist got exceedingly nervous about
half-way ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
0 Votes
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A couple new add-ons to an old one 1/1/2009
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection
for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly
compared the computer industry with the auto industry
and stated,
'If GM had kept up with technology like the computer
industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1, 000
miles to the gallon.'
...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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One of these days 1/1/2009
Q: What's the definition of optimism? A: An investment banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday
evening. *** How do you start a small business these days? Simple, buy a big one and wait. *** The credit crunch is getting bad, isn't it? I mean,
I let my brother borrow a tenner a couple of weeks back, it
turns out I'm now North Carolina's fourth biggest
lender. *** Q: What is the difference ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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The store wasn't ready 12/4/2008
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break
in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior
is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what
we're selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious senior walked to the window, had a ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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New movie project 11/29/2008
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action
docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars.
Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and
Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly
desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars,
so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers
they wished to portray, as long as they were famous. ...
0 Comments, 11 Views,
0 Votes
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Whatever you give 11/24/2008
"Whatever you give a woman, she will make greater. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of ...
0 Comments, 14 Views,
0 Votes
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A Kentucky Ghost Story 11/16/2008
> This happened about a month ago just outside of Owensboro,
> Kentucky, a small town on the banks of the Ohio River.
While > it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's
indeed > real. > An out of state traveler was walking along the side
of the > road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a > thunderstorm. Time passed slowly and no cars went
by It was > raining so hard he could barely ...
1 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Sunday Paper 10/29/2008
For all of us who are --- seniors ---
for all of you who know --- seniors ---
and for all of you who --- will be seniors ---
Sunday Paper . . . . .
'WHERE Is My SUNDAY PAPER?' The irate customer
calling
the newspaper office loudly demanded, wanting to know
why
her Sunday edition had not yet ...
0 Comments, 21 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Which way do you want it? 10/26/2008
while searching and browsing new members and possible
matches, I noticed several members who were seeking a serious
relationship. the only thing i found kinda funny, was the
fact they wanted a woman/man (not gender prejudice here)
and a couple for a serious relationship. how exactly is
that done since you can't (or can you) have a serious
relationship with a couple. when we first signed up ...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
2 Votes
,1.73 Score
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Hillbilly went hunting 10/23/2008
A Hillbilly went hunting one day in Georgia and bagged three
ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about
to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden
who didn't like hillbillies.
The game warden ordered the hillbilly to show his hunting
license; the hillbilly pulled out a valid Georgia hunting
license.
The game warden looked at the ...
0 Comments, 19 Views,
0 Votes
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What? 9/29/2008
A Jewish lady dining in a fine restaurant is about to bite
into her meal when she turns to the man sitting alone at the table next
to her.
'Pardon me, sir' she says. 'Your napkin has
fallen on the floor.
'Oy! Tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know.
I'm blindt.'
He reaches down to find his napkin.
Once it's back on his lap, he asks her if he has spilled
any ...
0 Comments, 26 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Perfect Diet 9/28/2008
Yesterday I was at my local Target buying a large bag of Purina
chow for my loyal pet, Sheriff, the Wonder and was
in the checkout line when woman behind me asked if I had a
dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired
and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't
have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added
that I probably shouldn't, ...
0 Comments, 12 Views,
0 Votes
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Holiday Education 9/21/2008
A Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that
she's going home for Rosh Hashanah
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, "Is this the
holiday when you light the candles?"
"No, " the Jewish girl replies, "That's
Hannukah"
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, "Is that
when you eat unleavened bread?"
"No, " the Jewish girl replies, "That's ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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Spread the Stupidity 8/26/2008
Only in America ......do drugstores make the sick walk
all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions
while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America ......do people order double cheeseburgers,
large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America ......do banks leave both doors open and
then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in ...
0 Comments, 3 Views,
0 Votes
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Giving birth at 65 8/25/2008
> Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!! > > With all the new technology regarding fertility recently,
a > 65-year-oldfriend of mine was able to give birth.
When she was discharged > fromthe hospital and went home, I went to visit. > > 'May I see the new baby?' I asked > > 'Not yet, ' She said 'I'll make
coffee and we can visit for a while first.' > > Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I ...
0 Comments, 6 Views,
0 Votes
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Computer Problem 8/22/2008
> I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard,
the great > little 11 year old from next door whose bedroom
looks like > Mission Control, and asked him to come over. > > Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem. > > As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So,
what was wrong? He > replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' > > I didn't want to appear stupid, but ...
0 Comments, 8 Views,
0 Votes
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A learning process 8/17/2008
A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about
hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit
in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions' and then
the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for
a few suggestions. The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your
chest, and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things
like ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
0 Votes
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Celibacy 8/11/2008
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed
by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife
Ann, listened to the instructor declare, 'It is essential
that husbands and wives know the things that are important
to each other.
He addressed the men, 'Can you name and describe your
wife's favorite flower?'
Walter leaned over, touched ...
0 Comments, 20 Views,
1 Votes
,3.70 Score
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Don't make a Nurse angry 8/5/2008
A big shot attorney had to spend a couple of days in the hospital. He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed
them around like he did his staff. None of the hospital staff
wanted to have anything to do with him. >> >>>> The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him.
She came into his room and announced, "I have to take
your temperature." >> >>>> After complaining for several ...
0 Comments, 13 Views,
0 Votes
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CADDIE OVERHEARD 8/2/2008
The 10 best caddie comments: #10 Golfer: 'I think I am going to drown myself in the
lake.' Caddie: 'Do you think you can keep your head down that
long?' #9 Golfer: 'I'd move heaven and earth to break
100 on this course.' Caddy: 'Try heaven; you've already moved most
of the earth.' #8 Golfer: 'Do you think my game is improving?'
Caddy: 'Yes sir. You miss ...
0 Comments, 5 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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The Mule and The Mother In Law 7/25/2008
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother,
who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While
they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the
head, killing her instantly.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood
near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The
pastor noticed that ...
1 Comments, 60 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Why? 7/25/2008
1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?
2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we
ever know?
4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find
the words?
5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up"
mean ...
0 Comments, 7 Views,
1 Votes
,2.40 Score
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Quick Thinking 7/22/2008
Quick thinking
I wish I could think so quickly. . .
A man boarded a plane with 6 .
After they got settled in their seats a woman
sitting across the aisle from him leaned over
to him and asked, 'Are all of those yours?'
He replied, 'No. I work for a condom company.
These are customer complaints.'
0 Comments, 15 Views,
1 Votes
,1.10 Score
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Church 7/10/2008
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her and tell
him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied,
'I'm not going.' 'Why not?' she asked. I'll give you two good reasons, ' he said. '(1),
they don't like me, and (2), I don't like them.'
His mother replied, 'I'll give YOU two good reasons
why YOU SHOULD go to church. (1) You're 59 years old, and (2) you're the pastor!' ...
0 Comments, 30 Views,
4 Votes
,5.57 Score
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