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GOOD OLD JOKES 11/8/2007
BUT, I'm not implying that you're OLD !!!
An elderly gentleman... Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set
of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100% The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor
and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family ...
2 Comments, 72 Views,
6 Votes
,4.22 Score
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MOSES 10/29/2007
Recently, while going through an airport during one of
his many trips, President Bush encountered a man with long
gray hair and beard, wearing a white robe and sandals, holding
a staff. President Bush went up to the man and said, "Has
anyone told you that you look like Moses?" The man
didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The president said, "Moses!" in a loud voice.
The man just ...
1 Comments, 58 Views,
6 Votes
,5.64 Score
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Upset Golfer 10/6/2007
A rather upset gentleman is in a competitive golf match
with a friend who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy!
I'd give anything to sink this putt, " the golfer
mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers,
"Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your
sex life?"
Thinking that the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless,
the golfer ...
0 Comments, 55 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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Dear Abby 9/13/2007
The problems mounted so a letter had to be written………………..
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but
if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with "the girls" a lot recently ...
1 Comments, 75 Views,
5 Votes
,4.45 Score
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Dear Abby 9/13/2007
The problems mounted so a letter had to be written………………..
Dear Abby,
I've never written to you before, but I really need
your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife
has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but
if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out
with "the girls" a lot recently ...
0 Comments, 9 Views,
1 Votes
,5.00 Score
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KILLER BISCUITS 9/13/2007
KILLER BISCUITS WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual
AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting
her in-laws and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some
groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows
rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back
of her head.
One customer who ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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Murphy's Law Revisited 9/6/2007
>& Law of Economics >The amount needed for the present emergency is always
in direct proportion >to the amount you had saved for a vacation. > >& Law of Mechanical Repair >After your hands become coated with grease, your nose
will begin to itch or >you'll have to pee. > >& Law of the Workshop >Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible
corner. > >& Law of Probability >The ...
0 Comments, 24 Views,
3 Votes
,2.45 Score
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Watch for the signs 8/28/2007
It had rained for days over his property.As flood waters
threatened the Police offered to drive him to a shelter.
He refused Saying "My God will save me. Later, as floods
surrounded his cottage, the man moved to the first floor.
A boat man risked life and limb to rescue him, but his reply
to the invitation to "Jump!" was, "No!
Go away, my God will save me". He simillarly refused
a lift in a ...
1 Comments, 100 Views,
6 Votes
,4.79 Score
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Swell Occassion! 8/27/2007
Harry and Pete were constructing a shed .Harry's hammer
slipped catching Pete a glancing blow to his thumb. They
parted company fairly swiftly and Harry returned home
to take his heavilly pregnant wife to the hospital, for
a checkup. Coming out of the casualty door they met Pete,
who held up his bandaged finger and moaned "Look what
your husband did to me!" "Tha's nothing!" scoffed the woman ...
0 Comments, 75 Views,
9 Votes
,3.21 Score
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Evolution in Teaching Math Since the 1950s 8/15/2007
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells ...
1 Comments, 63 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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IF Their Mothers were Jewish 8/14/2007
MONA LISA'S JEWISH MOTHER: "After all the money
your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"
CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER: "I don't
care what you've discovered, you didn't call,
you didn't write."
MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER: "A ceiling you
paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other
? Do you know how hard it is to get that ...
0 Comments, 39 Views,
0 Votes
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lost my wallet 8/13/2007
A guy named Moe, traveling through Mexico on vacation,
lost his wallet and all identification. Cutting his trip short,
he attempts to make his way home but is stopped by a U.S. Customs Agent
at the border.
"May I see your identification, please?" asks
the agent.
"I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet, " replies
Moe.
"Sure buddy. I hear that every day. No ID, no entry, " ...
0 Comments, 57 Views,
4 Votes
,3.63 Score
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The pastor and the drunkard 8/5/2007
Read this joke some time back.Took me a while to get it.
One day the town drunkard met the pastor on the street and
began to harass him. This happens quite often but it was
particularly bad on this day because the drunkard was very
drunk. The pastor tried to leave but the drunkard refused
to let him go. Finally, the pastor lost his temper and lashed
out, " Young man. When you go ...
0 Comments, 68 Views,
3 Votes
,0.98 Score
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Moaner 7/28/2007
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the
Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security,
stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van
ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and the make
such an obvious error, he replied,
...
0 Comments, 50 Views,
0 Votes
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It will happen!!! 7/26/2007
>> >> YOU CAN'T FIX STUPID These people prove it
is a terminal condition. As >> always, competition this year has been keen.
The candidates this year >> are... >> >> >> Eighth Place In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got
stuck and drowned in >> two feet of water after squeezing head first through
an 18-inch-wide >> sewer grate to retrieve his car keys. >> >> Seventh Place A 49-year-old San ...
0 Comments, 38 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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Right On 7/15/2007
A US Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that
included 20 Admirals from the US, English, Canadian, Australian
and French Navies.
At a reception, he found himself standing with a huge group
of officers that included personnel from most of the countries.
Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their
drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, ...
0 Comments, 70 Views,
9 Votes
,4.49 Score
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Groaner 7/15/2007
A Doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting,
so he approached his assistant.
'George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't
want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic
and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers George.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and
asks: 'So, George, how was your day?' ...
0 Comments, 49 Views,
5 Votes
,5.43 Score
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Security 7/12/2007
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM IN THE SOUTH
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used
size 14-16 work boots. 2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns
& Ammo Magazine. 3. Put a few giant dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: "Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went for more
ammunition. Back in an hour. ...
1 Comments, 45 Views,
6 Votes
,3.37 Score
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It's all in the way you look at it..... 7/10/2007
1) NUDITY I was driving with my three young one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood
up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard
my 5-year-old shouts from the back seat, "Mom! That
lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"
2) OPINIONS On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher
a note from his mother. The note ...
2 Comments, 87 Views,
3 Votes
,4.41 Score
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No one believes 7/10/2007
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple were celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had
moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands they walked back to their old school.
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old ...
0 Comments, 28 Views,
2 Votes
,3.81 Score
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Guardian Angel on the Job 7/7/2007
This is worth sharing the giggles too  
Guardian Angel on the Job
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop!
Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall
down on your head and kill you."
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him.
The man was astonished.He went on, and after awhile he was
going to cross the ...
0 Comments, 69 Views,
7 Votes
,4.57 Score
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The Mule, the Monkey & The Man 7/7/2007
I read this somewhere, and I think it's good to share
the laughs
The Mule, the Monkey & The Man
God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule.
You will work constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy
loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence.
You will live for 50 years."
The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years
is too much. ...
0 Comments, 52 Views,
5 Votes
,4.77 Score
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Three Arkansas Surgeons 7/4/2007
Three Arkansas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries > they had performed. > > One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in
Arkansas . In my favorite > case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident,
I reattached > them, > and 8 months later he performed a private concert for
the Queen of England. > > The second surgeon said. "That's nothing.
A young man lost an ...
3 Comments, 60 Views,
7 Votes
,5.59 Score
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Second time around 7/1/2007
Jim was in his early 50s, retired from the Marine Corps,
and started a second career. However, he just couldn't
seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late.
But he was a good worker, real sharp, so his boss was in a quandary
about how to deal with it.
Finally, one day the boss called him into the office for
a talk. "Jim, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic,
you ...
1 Comments, 53 Views,
5 Votes
,5.10 Score
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Duties 6/28/2007
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they
had given their new wives duties.
The first man had married a Woman from Iowa. He told her that
she was going to do dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple
days, but on the third day he came home to a clean house and
dishes washed and put away.
The second man had married a Woman from Minnesota. He had
given his wife ...
0 Comments, 56 Views,
6 Votes
,3.93 Score
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IN CHURCH 6/13/2007
3-year-old Reese:
"Our Father, Who does art in heaven,
Harold is His name.
Amen."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy was overheard praying:
"Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't
worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
After the christening of ...
0 Comments, 117 Views,
12 Votes
,4.92 Score
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Ambushed 6/12/2007
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch
of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed
him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So,
the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could
answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year
to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had
no answer; he would be put to death.
The ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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Bear Challenge 6/12/2007
A Priest, a Pentecostal Preacher and a Rabbi all served
as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University
in Marquette. They would get together two or three times
a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people
isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would
be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided ...
0 Comments, 27 Views,
2 Votes
,5.20 Score
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At 85 years of age 6/11/2007
At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year-old.
Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after
their wedding, she and Morris should have separate bedrooms,
because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may
over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself
for bed and the expected ...
0 Comments, 42 Views,
3 Votes
,3.92 Score
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GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER 6/11/2007
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Musical recliners.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE:
1. You sell your ...
0 Comments, 119 Views,
7 Votes
,4.82 Score
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